One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Summary:He hadn’t anticipated ever seeing her again, which was why he had let his guard down that night. But every action has a consequence, and Sherlock will have to face his own, all while the threat of Moriarty hangs over his head. Sherlock Holmes will have to contend with the ghosts of his past before he can come to terms with a future he never wanted. -A sequel to The Long Game.
Note:I know this took an extremely long time. So sorry!
Beta: Many thanks to the lovely penelope1730 for agreeing to take over as beta! She’s done a fantastic job at helping me with not only this chapter, but also with the story overall. She’s wonderful, simply wonderful, and you should all go follow her!
"Ms. Hooper, I know this is difficult but I need you to try and answer a few questions for me. Can you do that?"
"Good, I’ll try to make this as quick as I can so that you can get some rest. Can you tell me what happened?"
"I..I was doing my shift at Barts…erm, that’s Saint Bartholomew… I was working in the morgue when he came in…"
"It’s alright. Take your time."
"He came…he cane into the room and locked the door. He told me that he had missed me. I tried to leave, but he grabbed me and …and covered my mouth with something. That’s the last thing… I remember before I woke up."
"You told the officer that your attacker was James Moriarty. Are you sure it was him?"
"You are, in fact, aware that James Moriarty committed suicide on the rooftop of St. Barts, three years ago? Confirmed deceased by DNA analysis."
"And you’re absolutely certain that James Moriarty was the man that abducted you?"
"Without a doubt."
Alright, so I wrote this up and penelope1730 suggested that I post it on Tumblr, soooo here you guys go!
So upon rewatching that episode, I noticed and wondered about something.
During the phone call between Moriarty and Irene, there’s something that’s either a continuity error, or a hint…
Sherlock’s conversation with Mycroft about goldfish kind of gives me chills and makes me wonder what exactly has happened between Sherlock and Molly since S2 that we don’t know about.
First of all, Sherlock seems so different here. I don’t know if it’s confidence or contentment or a combination…
As always - what a great meta that goes deeper into the wonderful subtext, innuendos and double entendre that takes place in this show. The mirroring and parallels have always been fascinating - even if I wasn’t looking through my shipper goggles. There’s been an undeniable shift that’s taken place. The most obvious is the mirror to ASiB and “sex doesn’t alarm me” with “how would you know?” But, it’s that original conversation in Scandal that, perhaps, gives this conversation on loneliness more significance and weight.
Mycroft has been shown to continually warn Sherlock about the pitfalls of becoming involved and caring, so it’s really a nice leap, or deduction on Sherlock’s part to ask him how he would know this if he’s never taken on a ‘goldfish’ of his own. The chullo hat is used as the tool to segue into this conversation which, ironically (or not), is a case Sherlock and Molly will investigate together later on that day.
John is an established ‘goldfish’ for Sherlock, as is Lestrade and Mrs. Hudson. Molly can also be considered one of Sherlock’s ‘goldfish,’ however, she’s different as she is the ONLY one of Sherlock’s friends to be included in the inner sanctum of he and Mycroft’s grander schemes, plans and machinations. Therein lies the paradigm shift because it’s no longer Mycroft and Sherlock…it’s Mycroft, Sherlock and Molly. At least where TRF plan was concerned.
Things Sherlock Has Taught Me, 101:
Trust Issues. Sherlock and Mycroft are like Fred and George Weasley. They have an unspoken pact that says: "I solemnly swear I’m up to no good."
Still waiting for the “Mischief managed” part to kick in.